Dear Tinsel Post Readers,
It’s no secret that mornings in the newsroom run on two things: peppermint bark and strong, unregulated coffee.
So imagine my horror when I arrived Monday morning to find the breakroom coffeepot suspiciously… empty. Cold. Deserted. Abandoned like an unfinished toy prototype that only says “meh.”
Panic. Chaos. Productivity dropped 83% in the first hour. One of the Copy Elves tried to use cocoa powder as a coffee substitute and ended up writing the entire Weather Forecast in rhymed couplets. (Beautiful. Inaccurate.)
Naturally, I launched a full investigation. What we uncovered was more than just a caffeine shortage—it was a reindeer conspiracy.
Apparently, Comet—yes, that Comet—recently read a motivational blog on “morning mindfulness” and decided to donate our entire coffee stockpile to a new wellness initiative: Zen at the Zoo. The reindeer are now enjoying sunrise oat milk lattes with cardamom foam while practicing group yoga to sleigh bell chimes.
Meanwhile, the editorial team is holding emergency meetings in the freezer just to stay awake.
I confronted Comet. His eyes were calm. Serene. Alarmingly well-rested. He told me, “Jingle, perhaps it’s time we let go of our attachments and embrace stillness.”
I told him if I embraced any more stillness I’d become a decorative lawn elf.
So here’s my public statement: I respect wellness. I support serenity. But I will not be editing a July issue under the influence of herbal tea. I’ve reinstated the coffee order. I’ve assigned Blip the Tech Gnome to set up biometric security on the coffee cabinet. We will defend the brew.
To our dear readers: if your issue is missing a comma, a headline, or a sense of urgency this week, know that we’re trying. But we’re decaf.
Steadfastly jittery,
Jingle P. Peppermint
Editor-in-Chief
The Tinsel Post
P.S. If anyone has seen my emergency espresso vial (it’s shaped like a candy cane and hums when shaken), please return it to my desk. It’s a matter of national security.
